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The Living Legend of Warwick Capper

The Mad Chatter - Thursday, October 27, 2011

Warwick Capper fired from the Apprentice Warwick, you’re fired!

And with those three words, minted finance guru Mark Bouris pretty much fired everybody on The Celebrity Apprentice Australia, including himself.

Warwick Capper fired from the Apprentice Warwick, you’re fired!

And with those three words, minted finance guru Mark Bouris pretty much fired everybody on The Celebrity Apprentice Australia, including himself.

No Warwick Capper, no show.

Channel 9’s latest trashfest pulled an impressive 1.3m viewers for its first episode. No doubt some people tuned in to see beauty pageant queen Jesinta Campbell get around in a bikini. But most would’ve been watching to see “one of the biggest personalities in Australia” strut his stuff.

Capper has been strutting his stuff now for almost thirty years, ever since he made his VFL debut for the Sydney Swans back in 1983. His Gold Coast tan, blonde mullet, white boots and ball-chaffing tight red shorts made him both a fan favourite and obvious target for rival players and supporters alike.

Those speckies! Pulling himself up on the shoulders of opposition players to take a screamer became a Capper trademark, often punctuated by triumphantly raising the Sherrin above his head in one hand.Even though he couldn’t kick over a jam jar, #39 booted 388 goals in 124 games for the Swans and Brisbane Bears between 1983-1991 with a career best 103 goals in 1987.

Make no mistake: Capper could play.

Not that he gets any credit for his football ability these days. Hell, he didn’t get much credit for it back in the day either. He was the player - no, make that cocky lair - you loved to hate. Loved, hated, Capper didn’t care so long as he was the centre of attention; attention he craved like a smackie fiending for a hit.

Capper’s off-field notoriety has completely over-shadowed his playing career. Looking back, there were hints of things to come during his playing days. Even before he became the Swans pin-up boy he released a pop single.

On his website, Capper claims “I Only Take What’s Mine” went (multi) platinum, selling 300,000 copies. This would make it one of the top three selling singles of all-time by an Australian artist. Surprisingly, it’s nowhere to be found on ARIA’s official gold and platinum records accreditation list. Must be an oversight.

A highly-publicized cameo in Neighbours at the height of its pop-culture phenomenon further boosted Capper’s profile. Playing himself, he had a scene in the coffee shop with another nascent star, some chick called Kylie Minogue.

Since retiring, Capper has stayed in the spotlight using every bit of shameless self-promotion available to him, including:

  • Posing nude with then wife Joanne for Australian Penthouse.
  • Appearing on any TV show that will have him, especially The Footy Show.
  • Writing a critically-acclaimed, best-selling autobiography Fool Forward.
  • Penning a highly-respected sports column for Zoo Weekly magazine.
  • Having plastic surgery which made him look “fifteen years younger”.
  • Working as a Gold Coast meter-maid in a skimpy, shimmering gold outfit.
  • Exposing himself to other housemates on Celebrity Big Brother (and getting immediately evicted).
  • Making his own XXX-porno with a girlfriend nearly half his age (the 69-minute Warwick Capper Uncut is available at all good adult stores.)

Capper gets away with all this crazy stuff because he’s such a harmless clown. He’s a man-child, a wide-eyed, immature fourteen year-old boy trapped in the body of a middle-aged man, who’ll never grow up. Peter Pan with a mullet.

That’s not to say Capper hasn’t had a crack at a legit career post-footy. In 2006, he tried to make the difficult transition to bona fide actor, starring alongside Mark “Jacko” Jackson and the late, great Bill Hunter in the blockbuster action comedy Yobbos Up the Guts! Director Kayran Noskca quit mid-shoot after Capper broke his nose in a punch-up on set. The film has never seen the light of day.

The next year, he ran for Gold Coast Mayor against incumbent Ron Clarke, the former champion runner, and an Elvis impersonator. Legalizing prostitution was one of his main election policies. He didn’t win. Undeterred, Capper had another crack at public office in 2009. After the former Member of Oxley Pauline Hanson officially announced she was contesting the seat of Beaudesert in the Queensland State Election, Capper put his hand up. Backed by Zoo and with Jacko as his campaign manager, the big plans of Warwick Capper MP came unstuck when he forgot to register with the Election Commission by the midday, March 3 deadline.

Which brings us to Celebrity Apprentice.

Two teams of Z-list fame-whores, including PR sleaze Max Markson, the first lady of funny-as-cancer comedy Julia Morris and Marcia Hines’ singing daughter Deni, were split into boys and girls teams for a winner takes all car-wash challenge.

Fair’s fair: they all worked their arses off. Well, most of them did. Our Warwick was too busy getting massages from skanky Zoo models to wash cars. Plus, he had a dislocated finger.

All up, the teams raised an impressive $166,000 for charity. The girls won, thanks mainly to “Please explain” Pauline pulling in fifty-grand by washing a car in AussieBum bikini bottoms. Markson led the boys team with thirty-six big ones. Capper brought in twenty bucks.

Bouris really had no choice but to fire his lazy arse, which was unfortunate but not exactly unexpected. After all, this is Warwick Capper we’re talking about.

Don’t worry, "The Wiz" won’t be off our screens for too long. He’ll be back next year in a new reality TV show, which promises to catapult him to same trashy orbit as Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie and the Kardashians. Supernova Capper will outshine these stars.

Keep an eye out for Warwick’s World, coming soon.


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